


Captain Kirk's Top Five Planets

by glitterandlube



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-07
Updated: 2010-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:36:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube





	Captain Kirk's Top Five Planets

1) Kelios Seven - Booze. Babes. Black Jack. It's Las Vegas the planet. Spock didn't fall for the whole, 'counting cards for the greater good' spiel, but five days of shore leave, three hookers, and a dozen ruined phasers later...Jim wins a shuttle craft that he names Lord Tiberius. Bones uses it as personal meeting room, by which I mean he stores his booze in it. Three months in and Kirk is already the most popular star captain ever.

2) PLANET FREAK. There was a certain away mission that involves Spock having to pretend to be Jim's slave. Clearly it's a fantastic idea because despite the fact that Spock still wants to punch Kirk every hour on the hour, he refuses to be less than perfect at anything. So Jim has a pet Vulcan, wearing a collar, and some kind of shiny blue outfit that makes his hair gleam, and doesn't clash with Jim's shiny gold outfit. Jim makes nice with his fellow evil slave holding douchenozzles, and they are shown to a room that defies all good taste, space-time, and morality.

Jim loves it and instantly jumps on the bed, rolling around, and crooning to the 75 pillows in deep appreciation. Spock hesitantly pokes around the room with a lack of facial expression that clearly says, 'this room has space crabs _and_ herpes.' Eventually Jim gets tired of making out with the 1,000 thread count sheets, and starts to explore, while Spock scans the bed, the furniture, etc...for Space STDs. Jim likes the way his eyebrows are twitching.

Kirk makes it to one of the many closets to look for a less shiny outfit, and instead, he opens it to find the mother of all sex toy collections and instantly he's howling with joy. ["HOLY SHIT!" HE YELLS! "THIS IS PLANET FREAK!"] He starts piling stuff on the bed to freak out Spock, and gets...no reaction. At all. Not even a green blush. [There are some stern eyebrows when Jim records his Captain log as issued on Planet Freak.]

Sadly disappointed, Kirk opts to start hoarding the sex toys in a box out of Spock's specific viewpoint. The dinners and meetings go well, because bring rude to everyone is encouraged. He beams Bones down for a little while to tell everyone to suck his dick, and bitch slap a few governors around. It's beautiful. They teach everyone how to use motherfucker properly, and Kirk gets sucked off by three different people _at one time._

A week later, Spock catches him showing them to Bones on Lord Tiberius, saying things like, "I think this one is a sling,' and 'hahahaha, someone got a lightbulb stuck where?' Bones was the world record holder for having pulled the most bizarre things out of various orifices for three years running when he was first in rounds. He'd pissed off some department head by subtly implying his mother was a whore that liked to rough fuck garbage men. Subtle meaning yelling it across the room at one of the department meetings when the guy tried to cut allocation resources to the department Bones had been currently pimped too.

In return, every one who showed up in the Emergence for the next three years was his. It became a local legend. It only stopped after Bones was half-crazed from lack from sleep because of his daughter, and shrew-hag wife, and he gave the daughter of one of the Chiefs of Staff 50 credits to buy a real dildo, and stop using replicated vegetables.

They end up decorating the science lab with lots of anal beads, and various dolphin shaped items. Spock finds them at 0300 hours, Bones on the floor talking about holovids pornos, and Jim, fully clothed, in the sling they set up as the piece de la resistance. Spock peers down at him, and Jim grins, and wraps his legs around Spock, using him as leverage to pull himself out of the straps.

Amazingly, Spock helps him, and doesn't let him fall on his ass. That's when Jim works out that Spock probably doesn't want to punch him in the face anymore. [Why he didn't work this out the 1100 times Spock didn't let him die stupidly is a mystery. Things are clearer when you're so drunk it's basically one step away from inhaling gasoline fumes, and puking.] This will last until Spock realizes Jim has designated the planet 'Planet Freak' in the official reports, but Jim hopes he will be forgiven when Spock learns what book Kirk gave to Uhura as a birthday present. [What? Fucking is a type of language.]

3) Dinosaurs in Space. They fly past a planet called Xyseris, and they're kind of bored, and it's never really been checked out, and maybe they accidentally beam down one day because the transporter looked lonely and shit. Kirk, Spock, Sulu, and Chekov get down there just in time to see a FUCKING PACK OF DINOSAURS run past, followed by a giant MOTHERFUCKING T-REX. They watch in quiet awe as the T-rex tears apart two smaller dinosaurs and eats them viciously. Kirk is jumping up and down, as Spock turns a strange shade of paler than white mixed with mint green.

As Sulu shots a Raptor, Kirk yells, "BEST PLANET EVER." He almost sneaks a tiny baby dinosaur on, but Spock is a total cockblocker.

4) Planet Bob. Everyone on the planet is named Bob. Why this is awesome does not need to be explained.

5) Earth. Hahahaha. No. That's such bullshit. Earth is boring. Also, Fucking Pike banned Jim from the planet's surface for five months. It's not Jim's fault Pike ended up in that fountain, but of course no one believes him. Assholes.


End file.
